My Cat Is Trying To Kill Me

Zombie Cat Wants My Soul

Zombie Cat

[NOTE: This was written at 7:11 a.m. 08/02/13.  I took it from my old blog…]

It’s just after 7 a.m. and I’m having the best dream ever! It’s the one that we’ve all had before where we’re trying to dream of a means to a better life. Well, I had finally done it; all of the riches of the universe were finally going to be known to me…


“Chris, the secrets to wealth and happiness are all very simple. And best of all, it’s completely free and all for you!  All you need is…..”
“Wait, could you repeat that?  I’m sorry, I didn’t catch the last part,” I struggle desperately to pay closer attention…
“Of course, Chris. We’re all here just for you.  You’ve come so far and now it’s time for you to have the life you’ve always wanted. All you need to do is…..”



It’s Xena, she’s tapping her paw on my face. 
Ummmmm, excuse me… anybody in there?
I can smell you breathing….. Hello? Did you…did you forget something last night?
You see, I’m confused. I …ummm. I see a
food bowl but there doesn’t seem to be…well, it doesn’t seem to have any food in it.

I slowly open my tired, burning eyes and all I can see are the gold rings of Xena’s irides tightly hugging her dilated pupils.  She’s sullenly staring back at me and sputters a pitiful ‘mew’—not even a full whimper.  I can see she’s really gonna milk this one. Taking in her gloomy look, I think: All she needs now is a beggar’s cup and maybe some darkened shades that the blind wear to complete her despicable appearance. She wheezes forth another weak ‘mew’ and forces out a fake cough for an added effect to her terrible suffering. She struggles forward to rest her tiny limp paw across my cheek and gently lays her head upon my arm to display her weakened state. Due to the lack of vital sustenance, this is to be her dying gesture—this cat is going to be a star someday! 

And the winner for best drama performed by a cat in the category of ‘Horrible Pet Owners‘ goes to…

So I sit up in bed to collect myself and she suddenly springs to life putting her paws upon my chest and looks right into my eyes: “That’s right, Asshole.  You forgot to feed the cat.”

So, I haul my lifeless body into the kitchen to feed Xena: Princess Fat-Ass and she’s playfully weaving in and out of my legs between each step of mine. You see, when cats want to be petted they don’t wait for you, they just do it themselves by rubbing their body against you. But when humans do that very same thing, they end up in jail—trust me, I know.

After a quick pit stop, I crawl back into bed leaving her in the kitchen at her food bowl—I really need to get back to my dream while it’s still fresh inside of my head.  I lay down and close my eyes.  I can feel my body drifting outwards as the surfs of slumber carry me away from the harsh brightness of reality, watching it slowly fade into the distance…

It’s a calm and peaceful place here on the sea of sleep and tranquility when the shoreline starts to hum and slowly glow increasingly brighter, beckoning for the current to gradually bring me in.  I am once again inside of my body with Xena on the footstool next to the bed purring loudly, indicating her happiness.  I look up towards the ceiling and my eyes begin to lose their focus and the muscles in my neck gently relax allowing for gravity to ease my head back down to its side again. 

Fading to black: I notice that Xena is perched on her haunches as though she’s going to jump from her spot onto the bed.  I pay no mind because my body is too far gone and I am once again floating on the gentle waves of nocturnal bliss.  Suddenly, the once-calm waters begin to stir and a frenzied sensation fills the air—something is wrong.  The light of the coast grows dim and then bright, dim and then bright.

My senses are trying to alert me of something but my body ignores all signs and pushes through.  Dead silence. Not even a ripple appears on the dark waters. Then, out of nowhere, the pitch black of night fills with a bright searing pain hosted by a deep bellowing scream.  I am now sitting fully erect in my bed trying to come to!  A soft sticky pop! echoes against my eardrums as one of my eyelids breaks the suction and opens to reveal Xena: Spawn of Satan firmly planted on top of my crotch digging her teeth and claws into me.

It’s now:

       Xena:     23
       Testicles: 0

And I mean that literally, too.  Seriously—I really think they went back inside if my body for protection from that Zombie Cat.  What I can figure is that she believes she is providing me with some sort of service. I’ve often said that since all of my kids are now grown that I do not want to have anymore….and she must somehow think that is where she comes in.

“You’ve done well, Fat Man.  You’ve fed me yet once again and I did not die of starvation, so I shall fulfill my end of the deal by removing those hideous things that dangle between your legs.” 

Perched on her footstool she watches with dire anticipation: “That’s it, Old Man…..  Go back to sleep.  This will all be over soon. Close….your….eyes ….and….wa—” Her sleek body streaks the night, nails sprawled out like the razor-fingers of Freddy Krueger, and she lands her mark sending me into a spiraling whirlwind of agonizing death.

But my body is too tired to fight back, so I just turn over onto my stomach and use one of the pillows as a protective shield. I somehow manage to fall back asleep. But she doesn’t give up that easily…

I’ve always been a light sleeper and I tend to flinch at most noises during the night. So to help things along, I use wax earplugs and they work perfectly to help me get a full nights rest. Well, at least they used to; these wax plugs are like gold to cats. Now, what used to provide me seclusion from the loud buses and honking cars throughout the night, has become the source of my undoing.  Although they work wonders to drown out the traffic noises outside my bedroom window, they are no match for a purring kitty just two millimeters from your skull.

While sleeping, Xena’s whiskers brush against my skin and hair inducing the sensation of tiny bugs crawling all over me. I can still feel it now as I am typing this journal entry and I cannot stop swatting at bugs that aren’t really there. Similar behavior can be seen in drug addicts as they begin “tweaking”. But I ask you: Were they really on drugs?  Or, did they just try to get some sleep wearing earplugs and went insane because of a similar situation? Seriously, think about it.

Wait, what were we talking about? Oh yeah, Xena: Human Nut-Crusher. Anyways, she doesn’t stop taunting me at all; she must have those earplugs. I put up with it for about an hour, her pouncing all over me and pawing at my head, before I finally pick her up and put her down on the floor. Enough is enough!, I say, but she jumps right back on the bed and goes back at it again. It’s time to put a stop to this.  She needs to realize that I am the owner and she’s only the pet and that I will not tolerate such behavior from an animal and that she had better listen to me. Enough is ENOUGH!


So I’m trying to sleep in the tub, right, but my body is just too long and I simply won’t fit. All I can think to myself is: Where in the fuck did this beast come from? Was she Satan’s former cat but he couldn’t take it anymore so she was banished from Hell? And of all the cats in the world, how in the fuck did we manage to find the only one forged in Hell’s fire from Beelzebub himself? Look, even Dr. Frankenstein loved his creation, so what is it about this evil creature that went so wrong that not even Lucifer could tolerate?

Finally, I pick up my pillow and blanket and go back into the bedroom to find her curled up and sleeping on none other than my side of the bed…again. She’s got hundreds of places all over the apartment that she can sleep but she has to take mine. And, what’s more, she’s been putting her bare ass all over my pillow leaving tiny prints of little brown starfish in the place where my face goes. Ain’t that some shit?! (no pun intended)

I’m not sure what to expect in the days to come, but this war…….is far from over.

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